April Showers Bring …. ED?????

In most parts of the country, Spring is breaking the back of Winter …. finally. It’s warming up, the trees are budding out …. and all that lovely pollen is floating on the warm breezes right into your respiratory tract. Which means you’re reaching for the Claritin D, right? Not so fast, though.

Every spring, we get panicky questions like this one ….

My wife and I have traditionally enjoyed great sex. Two times ago, I wasn’t getting it up. So then, I worry about not getting it up, which affected me this time. I could use advice, stat! I sensed her worrying about her own attractiveness. Any help would be appreciated.

First question to ask, “Have you taken any Claritin D or Zyrtec D, lately?”

The reason for the question: the active ingredient in those meds, pseudoephedrine, can cause temporary ED (erectile dysfunction). In fact, pseudoephedrine is one of the front line treatments for priapism (erections that won’t go away on their own).

There are a lot of things that can contribute to ED, of course. Alcohol, stress, exhaustion, performance anxiety, a wife who isn’t interested, too much porn use, low T and other health problems, to name a few. If this is an on-going problem for you, you’ll need to dig a bit further to figure out what’s going on.

But if  you’ve started using pseudoephedrine this Spring and are experiencing equipment malfunction for the first time, look in your medicine cabinet first, and consider switching to an allergy med without pseudoephedrine.

And that’s my Public Service Announcement for the day. Wives all over the world are thanking me. ;-)

The Most Useless Place

Okay, this one is for the ladies who are still in The Waiting Place  ………..

Over at MMSL, we have a term called ‘running your Map’. Map stands for Mindful Attraction Plan after the book by the same name. It’s all about making the changes that allow you to have the life you want.

What I am consistently noticing is that a lot of women don’t want to run their Map. They are allowing blockages to keep them from going the distance. For example:

Conversation over at the MMSL Forum with a woman trying to improve a fairly difficult marriage with a husband who’s resistant to making any changes  ………

Me:  Best advice… do everything in your power to get that hot body, get a make-over, change your wardrobe, find activities that are dopamine-producing, come home glowing with all the fun you’ve had. Don’t sit around and wait on your husband. It’s a huge DLV and will  de-rail any progress you’ve made.

Her:  You know..I’ll be honest, I’m resistant to this because if I go back to dressing well all the time, and doing my makeup and hair, and otherwise running my map, he’ll be even more attracted and more likely to make a move, and I don’t want him to. I don’t want him to initiate or flirt with me in his awkward/beta ways, which turns me off and leads down that path. Also, every time I’ve done that, he’s gone back to his old ways, because for him, he’s getting what he wants, an attractive wife, regardless of whether he does his work.

Okay, I see this all the time with women. They think they’re running their Map, they say they’re running their Map, but really, they’re still basically waiting for their husband to get on board.

It doesn’t work.

If you are still Mapping based on your husband’s reactions, you have put all your power into his hands.

There’s a covert contract women run where they say, “Okay, IF  my husband does what I want him to do, THEN  I will do xyz to get more attractive. Why should I be more attractive for him if he isn’t going to be more attractive to me?” Sometimes without realizing it, they are punishing him for the years of neglect he’s shown.

The for him part is the crucial phrase. You are not getting more attractive for your husband. You are getting more attractive for yourself.

Just as we tell the guys … you have to improve yourself *for you*. Go full out. Get to the gym. Get that perfect hour-glass figure …. or as close as genetics will allow. Grow your hair out, improve your wardrobe. Each one of us needs to be at a point where people notice when we walk into a room. Are you getting glances  from attractive guys? If not, you aren’t running your Map to the fullest.

Get a social group where you have frequent fun outings. Get to the point where you don’t dwell on your husband’s action because you have so many awesome things going on in your life.

Stop being angry. Many women don’t realize how unattractive anger is to a man. As long as we are angry at our husbands, we are diminishing their attraction for us and their desire to change. I know it’s difficult to let go of the anger and the feeling that you’re being cheated out of the marriage you always wanted, but it is possible.

You keep thinking that if only your husband would change, you could stop being angry. It’s counter-intuitive, but truly letting go of the anger has nothing at all to do with your husband, and everything to do with you. Once you start doing the things in your life that bring you flowing energy, your husband’s actions will no longer control your emotions. When you fill your life up with the things that bring you joy, your anger will dissipate.

As much as possible, keep your emotions out of it. You need a cool, logical, progressive strategy to truly run your Map. One step after the other, no matter what your husband decides to do.

You have to destabilize the relationship in order for a Lazy Bear spouse to get it.

What would you do if your husband disappeared tomorrow?

Do that now.

From the great philosopher himself …….

Ladies, Stop Sabotaging Your Sex Life

I don’t know what it is lately, but I keep seeing women in low T or low sex marriages who are actively sabotaging their sex life in various ways.

For example, a woman commented the other day that she was really in the mood for some re-connection time with her husband. They hadn’t had sex in a week, she was getting fairly desperate, so they made plans for a nice evening. He made dinner reservations and she had visions of being pounded into the mattress after dinner running through her head. But …… it never happened. Why? Because immediately before they went out, she offered a quickie to her husband on the sofa, he accepted, had an orgasm, and then had absolutely no interest in sex for the rest of the evening. And she was really upset that he had sabotaged the evening.

Or another woman who has a low T husband who won’t get treated. She is chronically sex-deprived, but frequently offers up bj’s and quickies to her husband. He makes the most lame-assed initiations and does little to arouse her and yet she feels guilty if she doesn’t respond to him.

Or yet another woman whose husband doesn’t do the things that attract her and yet refuses to read the Primer or even discuss the matter with her. She continues to have sex with him even though she is not really attracted to him and she remains dissatisfied with the level of passion in their marriage.

I’m trying to keep this from turning into a rant, but ladies …. if you believe in peace at any price, the price of peace gets higher and higher.

If you give a Lazy Bear Husband exactly what he wants while he makes little to no effort, he will never change and your situation will never improve. Seriously, you just have to stop doing this. You are being your own saboteur.

This isn’t rocket science. Until someone becomes dissatisfied with his situation, he is not going to change. That’s human nature. As long as your husband is getting maximum sex for minimal effort, he will not feel the need to do the things that attract you.

Athol Kay has written about this here and here. If all you do is talk to your partner about feeling dissatisfied, while at the same time you continue to accept crappy behavior, every word you say becomes a DLV. They quickly realize that you will accept the status quo and you words sound like this to them….

So, how do you get your husband to realize you’re serious and start making an effort? The same way the guys do. Actions, not words. Stop talking to him, and start taking actions that make him realize that you will no longer accept the status quo.

The thing that is holding you back is …. fear. You’re afraid of conflict, you’re afraid of your husband being mad at you. You’re afraid that he’ll withdraw his attention from you and give you the silent treatment. You’re afraid that if you are honest with him and let him know that he’s not doing the things that attract you, he will be angry. That’s the heart of it.

Until you get over that fear and start to be honest, nothing is going to change. So, go on. Stop being afraid, stop talking and take action.

The Natural

I went to a new gym today. I’ve been slacking on my at-home work-outs and decided to get serious about building some muscle.

Every woman there was in better shape than me. There were some seriously beautiful and strong bodies in that gym.

I pretty much …. um …. sucked.

Everyone lifted more than me, everyone’s form was better than mine. Not only could I not do a pull-up unassisted, I couldn’t even get my own danged foot in the pull-up assistance band without help. Let’s say I’m not a natural when it comes to working out. Ahem.

So ………. I decided to quit.

I mean, after all, I’m not a natural, right? I went to the gym and tried my hardest and I wasn’t any good. Oh my gosh, calamity and chaos. Worlds collide. I’m not a natural.

That’s ridiculous, right? I mean, obviously, no one expected me to be great my first day out. I need to keep working at it to get better, right?

But this is what I hear all the time from the guys I coach. “I’m not a natural.”

Not a natural… they say this as if they’re announcing that they have a dreaded disease.

And my response? Of course, you’re not a natural. No one is. All right, maybe there are guys out there to whom attracting women comes easily. Who are born knowing what to do with women, who had that easy confidence in the cradle. If so, I’ve never met them. Maybe they all live in Hollywood. Or Wall Street. I dunno. The guys I talk to and coach are not naturals. For them, it is sheer hard work. And yet, once they decide to work at it, they are able to achieve amazing results.

One of the primary reasons male clients sign up for coaching is to learn how to attract their wives. This is a huge struggle for a lot of men, whether or not they’re low T. They understand the theory behind female attraction, they understand that women are attracted to strong, confident leadership and sexual dominance, but they just don’t feel confident that they can pull it off.

I frequently hear comments like this one from the MMSL forum …….

This whole thing makes me want to cry …. I want to be a dominant lover. I want to give <my wife> the leadership and dominance she craves, wants and needs.

But, this shit is so fucking hard for me and at the same time I’m scared. I’m scared of ending up where we were five years ago if I can’t get over this problem. After the past two years there’s no way I could stomach where we were back then. It would not work for me. Not to mention <my wife> has gone so far out of her box sexually just for me that I am determined to do this for her.

And honestly my biggest fear is that I won’t enjoy it and that our sexual preferences simply won’t ever meet properly.

I’ve read the advice on here multiple times and it sounds easy ….On a fucking daily basis I tell myself I’m going to do x, y, z. And when the time comes I fold like a fucking house of cards. 

My biggest advice to men who are trying to increase attraction is …. practice.

Yeah, I know. That’s really boring. You were waiting for the magic bullet. But honestly, guys, there is no magic bullet. Becoming more sexually confident is like everything else in life; the more you work at it, the better you get.

I watch guys go from tentative, passive ‘nice guys’ to strong, decisive, confident men who know exactly what to do in the bedroom. How does it happen?

Yep. Practice.

It’s not enough to read the theory behind attraction. It’s not enough to understand at the cognitive level what will do it for your wife. You can go from blog to blog, reading about what attracts women, but until you start putting theory into action, nothing in your life will change.

Hence, my gym analogy.

You can spend all your time reading work-out blogs and books. You can know exactly what it takes to make those muscles stronger. You can become an expert on the most effective moves to build muscle. But … until you actually go to the gym and start working out, your body isn’t going to improve.

Is it fun? Heck, no. Not at first. At first, you are a weak, whimpering mass of pain. None of the movements come easily. Your body feels awkward and stiff. You focus so much on your glutes that you forget what your quads are doing. Your form is crap, and the coach is constantly correcting your posture.

So, what happens? Do you give up at this point, and just say, “I’m not a natural. I’m never going to get this.”? Or do you realize that this takes practice and you need to keep working on your form?

Sexual confidence is the same thing. You are re-training your brain. And that takes time. You have to be patient with yourself. You’re not going to deadlift 300 pounds your first day. No, it’s little movements that gradually add up. Think of building dominance like building muscle. Each day you get a bit stronger.

Do you go to the gym the very first day and call yourself a failure because you’re not as strong as the other guys? No. The only failure is to stop trying.

It’s the same way with learning sexual confidence. Sometimes you feel like a failure in the bedroom because things didn’t go the way you wanted. But the only failure is to stop trying. Keep adding those little dominant moves until they become second nature.

Because they will. They will become second nature if you do them long enough.

And second nature is good enough. You don’t have to be a natural. You just have to be willing to do the work.

As for me, I’ll keep going to the gym. I’m going to learn to do that danged pull-up if it kills me. I’m going to keep working at it until it becomes second nature.

At which point, I’ll look like a natural. :-)

Safe Word – It’s Not Just for Kinksters

Going too far. It’s familiar territory to any parent. You’re in the kitchen cooking dinner, listening to the kids playing happily in the living room, acting silly and joking with each other.

“We studied Appalachia today in school. Opa-lachia. Opa la la. Apple-lachia-poopy. Apple-lachia-ca ca. Kevin’s a apple-lacha-poopy head.” Suddenly, there’s whining and tears, and you have to look over at them to make sure that they’re not still laughing. You’re left wondering what happened, and then you realize that it went too far. They’re tired or they’re cranky, someone’s button got pushed and all of a sudden, the fun is over.

The same thing can happen with married couples. A husband and wife are playing around, teasing each other, when one of them inadvertently pushes a button. Maybe the husband strays too far into teasing his wife about that generous tush of hers that he absolutely loves, but about which she’s self-conscious. Or maybe the wife goes a bit too far as she teases him about being a lousy kisser. Either way, suddenly what had been a fun and playful conversation goes south, and the rest of the evening is spent in anger and silence.

Sometimes it’s a sexual situation. The husband wants to push a boundary with his wife and she’s normally okay with that, but he stumbles across one that seems fairly simple to him, but is very difficult for her. I’ve frequently seen this happen with couples.

One situation involved a husband asking his wife to ‘masturbate like a porn star’ for him while he watched. Although she had brought herself to orgasm with him before, this particular request involved her being in a much more vulnerable position, but she wasn’t able to articulate what made it so difficult for her. He felt rejected and became frustrated at her refusal and stalked out of the room, leaving them both angry, frustrated and resentful.

Or the wife is looking for a bit more dominance from her husband and she pushes him in what she perceives as a provocative, playful way, but she goes too far and he experiences it as disrespect and silently seethes or withdraws. Sexy time is over and they’re both left feeling like idiots.

Another situation involved a man waking his wife up for sex in the morning, which he was sometimes able to do with mutually satisfying results. This particular time, though, she was exhausted and sleep-deprived for various reasons and absolutely blasted him, resulting in a 4 day stand-off between the two of them.

Enter the safe word. Safe word is a term sometimes used in the BDSM world to unambiguously let either partner communicate that they’re uncomfortable with something that is happening. However, having a safe word can also be very helpful in everyday situations as well.

Many people use a yellow-red system. If you are growing increasingly uncomfortable with a conversation or situation, you can simply tell your partner that you’re yellow and they’ll know that they’re treading into sensitive territory. Or sometimes, something that your partner does will jump all over you and all of a sudden, you’re seeing red without even knowing why, much less being able to articulate your feelings. Being able to tell your partner this with one word can be helpful. It’s a way to tell them to back off without being overly negative.

So why bother with a safe word? We’re all adults, right? Why not just tell your partner how you feel?

There are times when your emotions are running too high to be able to communicate well. And times when something happens so fast, you don’t even realize why you’re so upset. Often, in emotionally charged or sexually charged situations, the power of speech momentarily deserts you as blood rushes out of your brain into …. other regions.

In these situations, a safe word can serve to slow the action down until you’re once again capable of rational thought.

For example, both my husband and I have a tough time articulating our anger with each other at times. Sometimes his angry words flow over me and I’m left speechless. This infuriates him because he thinks I’m ignoring him or withdrawing. In these situations, it’s helpful to be able to say, “Time-out,” which is our code for “I’m really upset and I need to process this for a while.” It’s equally helpful for him to be able to say this when he is struggling to find the right words.

It can also be helpful to have a safe word in front of other people, particularly your kids. You know those times when it feels like you’re wife is disrespecting you in front of the kids, but you don’t want to argue in front of them? That’s a great time to be able to say, “Redlight.” Your wife will know that she needs to shut it down until the two of you can talk privately.

Or you’re in a group, and your husband is disclosing a bit more information than you’re comfortable with, but you don’t want to draw attention by arguing in front of other people. You can quietly say, “Yellow area,” in his ear without making a scene.

It also works great in sexual situations, when you’re not altogether sure of how comfortable you are with something your partner is asking you to do. It lets him know to pull back a bit and give you time to process what’s going on. It gives you the room to not have to even explain why you’re uncomfortable. It’s enough that he knows that you are, so he can move on to something else, without ruining the moment.

Later, when emotions aren’t running so high, you can do a post-mortem and analyze what was happening at the time.

So, anyone out there who uses a safe word for either arguments or sexual situations?  How well does it work for you?

Two Faced

In this post, I talked about the damage the sun can do to your skin, especially through a window. Here’s a graphic demonstration from the New England Journal of Medicine. This guy was a truck driver for more than 20 years. The side of his face closest to the window has aged dramatically more than the protected side.

The problem with getting sun through glass is that the glass blocks the UVB rays, but not the UVA rays. The UVB rays are the ones that provide the Vitamin D that protects your skin from damage. Doctors believe that the reason that office workers’ incidence of malignant melanoma is on the rise while outdoors workers’ incidence has stayed steady is for just this reason.

So, all that advice about putting on your sunscreen before you go outside? Ignore it. Get your sun during the time of the day when UVB rays are the strongest, get just enough to produce optimal levels of Vitamin D and then protect your skin the rest of the time with a sunscreen that has both UVA and UVB protection.

And that’s my good deed for the day. :-)

Boys to Men

My husband and I have 4 strapping boys and 1 teeny-tiny little girl. Our kids range all the way from elementary school to college-aged.

Life with boys is …. messy. They’re loud and sometimes they’re smelly. And oh my gosh, the piles of dirty gym shorts! The 3 oldest work out frequently, and there are always work-out clothes in different stages of getting cleaned.

Before I was a mom, I always thought I wanted girls. I’m a fairly girly-girl type and I always imagined having girls just like me.

But then the boyz …. they started arriving and just. wouldn’t. stop. lol

And I am so glad. Because raising these boys is one of the most enjoyable parts of my life. I love watching how their minds work, I love seeing them grow and change into men, I love getting their perspective which is frequently so different than mine.

They aren’t shy about telling me what they think and are a constant source of interest and amusement to me.

Recent conversations from the House of Serenity ………

5th grade son (normally the Peace Keeper):  ”Mom … John and Tyler were trying to take my gun away from me. I told Tyler to leave it alone, but John kept snatching it. Usually I would just let him have it, but I got mad and grabbed it back. Then I told him, “Dude, this is MINE. If you want a gun, go get your own, but leave my stuff alone.”

Ah. That’s my boy.

Me:  ”Don’t ever let someone take what’s rightfully yours, son.”

*********************************************************************************

High School Son:  Mom, why do girls bleach their bums?

Me:  What? <googling furiously>

Him:  At lunch today, some girls were talking about how they bleach their bums to look better. Girls are so weird. Why do they have to tell me stuff like that?

*********************************************************************************

College Son: “Man, I’m going to fail Psychology if Alicia keeps dressing the way she does.  The warmer it gets, the less she wears.

Me:  LOL

*********************************************************************************

College Son:  ”Poor Mike. He says he likes dating Ashley, but now that they’re officially an item, he has to do all sorts of stupid shit.

Me:  ”Like what?”

College Son:  ”Oh, like the other day, her feelings were hurt about some other girls talking bad about her and she was all crying and upset and Mike had to sit there and talk to her about it and act all concerned and caring. He said it was a real drag.”

Me:  lol  ”I am so glad I didn’t know what guys were really like when I was in high school.”

*********************************************************************************

Hidden Talents?

Thanks to a reader who passed this on to me…..

“Just to let you know that your blog (lowtwife.com) has been categorized as Pornography by K-9…
Just a few minutes ago I guess.
I’ve been reading it today (a few hours ago), and then suddenly K-9 blocked it.

After a first request yesterday, I sent an email 30mn ago.
Here is their explanation…
And it is still blocked and categorized as Porn…”

“Hello,

 The blog has quite a few sex education related topics that triggered our automated processes to categorize the site as Pornography. While I do not believe that the site comes even close to being pornographic content, it does talk about various sex positions and similar content that falls under our Sex Education category.”

Great.

Now, I’m a porn star.

Oh, the pressure ………….. ;-)

Making Your Way Back

Following on from this post ………

Your husband’s hormone levels are finally stable, but he still doesn’t seem to have that high desire he used to have. Maybe he’s just not a sexual person. Or is he?

Hmmm…. well, it’s complicated. For those men who have been low T for a long time, their brain patterns have actually changed. Here’s where I get a bit technical, but stick with me, it’s important.

The development of the brain depends on the experiences you have. Electrical activity in every area shapes the way that the brain circuits are formed. The circuits that get used the most often are the ones that grow stronger; the one that are rarely used become weaker. Scientists have a term for this; “Cells that fire together, wire together.”

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Libido is a function not only of hormones, but also of brain circuitry. For years, your man hasn’t had sexual thoughts and experiences due to his hormone levels. Even though his hormone levels are now fixed, the brain circuitry that would support a healthy libido hasn’t been developed, yet. Now does his behavior make more sense to you?

Okay, so are you doomed? If fixing the hormones doesn’t fix the libido, is there any hope for you to ever experience the desire from your husband you want?

Yes, because the brain is also malleable. As your husband engages in more sexual experiences and thoughts, the circuitry will grow stronger and he will be more capable of experiencing deeper sexuality. Hence, sex begets more sex. However, this is a slow process, it doesn’t happen over-night. And the more you blow up and delay the process, the longer it will take.

Here’s how you need to think about it. A low T guy is like a guy who’s had a stroke and is going through re-hab. There are distinct and predictable stages, and your strategy at every stage is going to be very different. If you use the wrong strategy at the wrong stage, you will actually impede or even halt the progress you make.

Coma Stage

This is when his T levels are lowest and he’s in a low T fog. Like a person in a coma, he’s in such a fog that he doesn’t even know he’s in a fog. You have to take control of the situation.

Wheelchair Stage

You’ve kicked his butt into action and he’s started to realize there’s a problem, but he feels hopeless and paralyzed with inaction. You are still the acting Captain.

Walker Stage

He’s started on T therapy and is feeling the first stirrings of libido return, but his confidence is very shaky. You need to keep the situation stable and stop kicking his legs out from under him. I know that his initiations are crappy and tentative, but it’s important for you not to shut down on him. He needs to stay sexual in order to let those sexual circuits in the brain fire.

Crutches Stage

He’s feeling stronger and able to stand upright with the help of the crutches, but he’s still stumbling and sometimes even falling. You’re trying to get him to walk faster than he’s able and the more you push him, the more he falls. He needs time. Encourage his successes and near-successes. I know you want it to be perfect, but it’s not time, yet.

Cane Stage

He’s feeling more like a real person who doesn’t need your assistance as much. His forward progress is still slow, but he’s looking much more like the man he used to be.

Walking Unaided

He’s back. Finally, you can see the man you married. He’s not running marathons, yet, but he’s getting around just fine. You have a tendency to keep trying to help him, and he’ll have none of it, thank you very much. Back off, Mama, and let him walk.

Running Marathons

Where did this kinky sex maniac come from? Hang on to your hat, woman, and try to keep up.

What I’ve seen in the couples I’ve dealt with is that the most important part of this whole process is to take the actions that are appropriate to the stage you’re in. You will experience much faster progress this way; however, I have to be clear. Progress for a man who’s been low T for a long time is slow. Brain circuitry takes a while to re-wire. You can avoid impeding the process, but you can’t rush it.

Coaching can be a tremendous help as you’re going through this process to help you identify the stages you’re dealing with and how your own actions are contributing to the success or lack of progress you’re experiencing. Much of coaching the female half of a low T couple involves getting her to stop beta orbiting and hyper-focusing on her husband to the detriment of running her own Map and making her own life. The other part involves teaching her how to stop blowing up and interrupt the progress they’re making.

What I can tell you from both personal experience and from working with other couples is that change IS possible. There is hope. It takes hard work and a desire for change from both of you, but you don’t have to keep living the way you’ve been living.

If you’d like to explore the possibilities for your own situation, you can contact me about a One Hour call. We’ll talk about what stage you’re in and the actions you need to take to move to the next level. The recovery process has certain predictable stages and it helps to know what to expect and to have someone walk you through it.

I Want You …..

So, your husband was low T for years and finally decided to address it, and now his T levels are running very nicely in the 700-900’s, but things still aren’t where you thought they’d be, and you’re left going wth?

Sound familiar?

Sure, his libido has increased and he seems to want sex more frequently. His erections have gotten better and he seems to enjoy sex while it’s happening, but ……..

Where’s that raw, heart-pounding passion that he used to have? Where is the ‘I’ve just got to have you’ guy he used to be? Why does he wait for you to initiate instead of jumping you when you get home? And why aren’t you happy now that you’re getting sex every couple days? After all, that’s what you’ve said you’ve been wanting all these years.

There’s a little secret about being a wife in a low T marriage.

The secret is that it’s not about sex.

It’s all about desire.

I know. That takes a few minutes to absorb, doesn’t it?

It’s not really about sex. If it were, you’d be fine with your Mr. Friendly vibe and a few double A’s.

The wife in a low T marriage could possibly live without the sex. Sex plays into it, of course. There are those nights where you lie next to him, aching and throbbing and all you really want is a hard pounding. But that’s just a small portion of it. After all, there are multiple ways to get an orgasm.

What you’re needing, what you’re craving, what you can’t live without is ….. desire. It undergirds every single action on your part. Every time you blow up at your husband because he didn’t initiate in just the right way, or he wasn’t dominant enough, or he didn’t touch you the way you like, or he said to-ma-toe instead of to-mah-to …. every single time, what you needed from him was desire.

Sometimes you feel like there’s not enough desire in the world to fill you up. That if he spent every waking moment for the next 37 years showing his desire for you, it still wouldn’t be enough. But that’s not true. Once he actually learns to consistently show his desire for you, you will be surprised at how quickly that void in you is filled.

It’s tricky at first, because he’s so inconsistent. He shows desire for 3 days, you finally have sex, he experiences his Orgasm Crash cycle, and then nothing for the next 4 days. Or he feels criticized by you, the two of you go into a Death Spiral and he turns into a eunuch for the next 7 days. And every time this happens, you feel like you’re starting over.

The more you criticize, the more you tell him what you want and how he’s doing it wrong, the more he withdraws and the worse it gets.

What’s the solution, then? Is it all just hopeless? Are you doomed never to get the passion and desire you’re craving?

to be continued