You Don’t Even Know What You Don’t Know

“We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.”

It took me about 3 minutes to realize that I had no idea what I didn’t know.

When I first walked in the doors to the MMA gym, I thought I would be pretty good at it. Seriously. I’ve always been in decent shape and have done various work-outs through the years. I thought I would struggle for a few minutes, but then find my pace and get through the work-out fairly well. That’s actually a little embarrassing to write, now. :-(

And then within about 3 minutes, reality set in and I was all, “Holy crap. This is totally beyond my skill level. How are these people doing this?”

Hell-lo Conscious Incompetence.

My work-out coach, Brian, was the first one to introduce me to the 4 Stages of Competence.

Unconscious Incompetence –> Conscious Incompetence –> Conscious Competence –> Unconscious Competence

Until you try to do something, you have no idea how difficult it is or how unskilled you are. Think about how easy golf looks …. just get that little ball into that little hole, right? …. easy. Until you try it. Congratulations, you just went from Unconscious Incompetence to Conscious Incompetence in one tiny step. It only takes about 3 minutes to get from Stage 1 to Stage 2.

However, it can take weeks, months, or even years to complete the next step; going from Conscious Incompetence to Conscious Competence. I’ve been doing this new work-out for slightly more than 3 months now, and I am still very consciously incompetent.

When a guy first starts coaching with me, trying to improve his marriage and increase attraction, he typically starts with a certain level of Unconscious Incompetence. He knows that his wife isn’t attracted to him, but he has no idea why. As his coach, it’s my job to help him figure out what the blockages are to attraction and how to fix them. However, it’s his job to do the practice that actually helps him get better at the behaviors that attract his wife. The longer he practices, the better he gets.

Typically, what I see in coaching is that slightly more than half-way through, the guy gets tired and discouraged. Even though he’s made tremendous gains fairly quickly in the first half of coaching, he has started to realize how very difficult it is to change behaviors and achieve competence. “This is really haaaaaard,” is a common statement at this point. Yes. Yes, it is. It is very hard to change the behaviors of a lifetime and it takes a lot of practice. Moving from Conscious Incompetence to Conscious Competence can be a frustrating process. This is the point where a huge part of the coaching involves encouragement and support in addition to training and correction.

“This doesn’t come naturally to me,” is something else I hear frequently. No. No, it doesn’t. It doesn’t come naturally to you, but if you practice long enough, it does become second nature to you. You move from Conscious Competence to Unconscious Competence. This is the sweet spot where you no longer have to think about displaying leadership, you just do it.

It’s kind of like tying your shoes. Do you remember how hard it was when you first learned? The strings seemed awkward in your fingers and you were constantly needing advice on which string goes on top of which. But eventually, you learned to do it without even thinking about it. You haven’t consciously thought about how to tie your shoes in decades. Your fingers move without conscious volition.

Unconscious Competence. 

“What should we have for dinner,” your wife will ask, and without even thinking about it, you will tell her, “Let’s grill chicken. That sounds good.”

Unconscious Competence


Just Get Back Up

I’ve talked a lot about holding frame and its importance in increasing attraction here and here.

What about when you lose frame? What then? How much damage have you done?

The truth is you’re going to stumble sometimes. The new leadership behaviors you’re practicing aren’t natural to you, yet, and there are times when you’re just going to lose it. You’re going to share your owies with your wife, you’re going to yell at your kids once in a while, you’re going to look foolish in some way. It’s unavoidable in the same way that making mistakes when you learn a new sport is unavoidable.

It’s okay to stumble; the really important part is getting back up. That’s where the magic takes place. When you mess up, but are able to own it and move on, it’s actually a display of high value. A guy who can do this is extremely attractive to women. Bonus points if you can laugh at yourself in the process.

So what does this look like in real life? 

Against your wife’s objections, you’re trying a new bedtime routine to get the kids to bed quicker. It’s been going well and you’ve been feeling pretty smug about it, but tonight your son decides to test your limits. It’s been a tough day at work, it’s been six nights since you’ve had sex, you want to get your wife in the mood, and you have no patience for this crap tonight.

You try to follow your new procedure, but by the fifth time the kid gets out of bed, you grab him by the shoulders and yell at him to get to bed before he gets hurt.

Okay, not a shining moment. You walk back downstairs where your wife’s eyes are burning holes through you. The silence is deafening.

Now what?

Well, now you’ve got a couple of choices.

Option 1  A really common choice I see my coaching clients make is to ignore the whole thing. Just pretend it didn’t happen. Don’t mention it to your wife and hope she won’t bring it up. Except you know that’s not going to work. Even if your wife doesn’t bring it up herself, you both know it happened. She’s waiting to see how you’re going to handle it. This is the moment of truth.

Option 2  You try to excuse your way out of it by whining to your wife about what a lousy day you’ve had. You’re just so frustrated with work, and why can’t she do a better job at disciplining the kids and if you got more damned sex, you wouldn’t be so grumpy to begin with. Ouch. You just took a -1 and turned it into a -10.

Option 3  Just own it. Quietly and simply admit what happened. “Man, I really lost it in there. I feel frustrated and I need to go cool off.” Then get out. I don’t care where. Just leave. If you stay and talk about it, you’re just going to lose it and make things worse. Go for a walk. Go work out. Go hammer some nails. Go punch inanimate objects. Get the stress out of your system.

When you go back home, apologize sincerely to your wife. One time, no more. The next day, apologize once to your son. That’s it. Now put it behind you and move forward. Don’t over-compensate, don’t lose frame. Get back on that horse. If your wife brings it up again, let her know that you’re not going to apologize again, you’re simply going to do better.

By doing this, you turn a -1 into a +10. You can actually increase attraction by making mistakes and then owning them. Everyone messes up. It takes a strong man to own his mistakes and correct them.

It’s what divides the men from the boys.

Maid Day

Ever since my husband started T therapy, he’s … different.

For example, in his low T days, he never would have noticed this postcard we got in the mail ….

Maid Day



Now, however ….

“I didn’t know you could order one of these,” he said, drooling over the blonde. 

Hmmm ……..

Doing the Dishes is Not Going to Get You Sex

It’s just …. not.

Forum post from a new guy …

She is a stay at home mom, and very attentive and affectionate mother.  We live a typical “middle-class” lifestyle.  Not lavish, but we have what we need to get by, take an occasional vacation, and do fun things here and there … I make a good living and work full-time, handle all the money/bills, my and the kids laundry, most of the dishes, all actual cleaning of the house, all yard work, all home improvement projects/repairs, and cook about 1-3 dinners a week.   On the weekends she sleeps in while I handle the kids, with the exception now being the baby, whom she nurses, and sometimes will need to get up around 5-6 to feed (and sometimes go back to sleep). … What I’m getting at is that I take care of my share of the duties (at least).  Not complaining here, just want to convey that she is not expected to take care of too much. 

I see so many guys with SAHM wives with this mindset. They believe that if they are ‘nice’ enough and take enough off their wife’s plate, they will eventually get more sex.

It doesn’t work.

What most guys find is that the less they expect of their wife, the less sex they get. This is crazy, right? Completely counter-intuitive. Wimminz be crazy.

What you have to understand is that the behaviors that drive female attraction are completely separate from the actions that keep the home and family maintained. Taking care of the kids is great for making your wife feel all warm and fuzzy with you, but it’s not going to give her the butterflies and tingles that lead to great sex.

In fact, if she’s a SAHM and you are treating her like a princess by having no expectations of her, she may actually be feeling a little contemptuous of you for not setting appropriate boundaries. She views it as you being too weak to to set limits in the relationship.

So, here’s a tool you can use.

Draw up a list of all the things you do during the week, including your paid job and all the traditional male chores you do, and then look at all the things she does. Calculate how much free time each of you has. The higher the discrepancy, the less sex you are going to get. (Hint: If she has 4 hours every day to surf the net, and you have 20 minutes by the end of the night after you’ve put the kids to bed, it’s a problem.)

If this is the case, you need to redistribute the work load, giving her more of her share to do. She probably won’t like it at first, but don’t be afraid to make her angry. It’s better for her to be angry than for her to be contemptuous.

And tonight? Don’t make dinner while she sits on the sofa and plays on her phone. Get her off that sofa and get her butt moving.

Let me know how it goes. ;-)

Protect Your Package from Your Cell Phone

The cell phone is the most quickly adopted consumer technology in the history of the world, with over 90% of the US adult population using one, according to the Pew Research Center. There are roughly 6 billion cell phone subscribers in the world.

With rising cell phone use, there have been increasing reports and studies done that cell phones are hurting our health, particularly men’s sexual health. But how valid are these claims?

I’ve been fairly unconvinced over the last few years that cell phone usage is hurting men’s sexual health. Some studies have shown that cell phone radiation seemed to cause damage to rats’ testosterone levels, some have shown connections between cell phone use and lowered sperm levels in men, but the studies I’ve read have been limited and I haven’t seen a clear connection that cell phones are causing damage to men.

However, one study has given me pause. In this study, the researchers divided men into two groups, those who were experiencing ED and those who weren’t. There were no significant differences in the two groups in terms of age, weight, height, and total testosterone.

They found that the men who carried their switched on cell phones longer had significantly more problems with ED. Note that it wasn’t the amount of time they used  their phones — both groups spent about the same amount of time talking on the phone — just the amount of time they carried  it when it was on. The guys with ED carried their switched on phones roughly 4 hours per day versus slightly less than 2 hours per day for the guys who had no performance problems.

The major problem with the study is that it is so small; only 10 guys in each group. The study also doesn’t show causation, only correlation. The study isn’t able to explain why  carrying a switched on cell phone might cause ED.

So, how important is the study? I don’t know.

What I do know is that I am talking to younger and younger guys who are having ED problems. Guys who shouldn’t be struggling with it. There are obviously a lot of factors at play; general health, decreasing T levels, porn use, etc. I am looking forward to seeing larger studies done that will either confirm or refute these results.

In the meantime, what we are telling our 4 boys is that they need to keep their cell phones away from their testes. After all, if the future of our world includes a dearth of guys capable of performing with a woman, thus threatening the future of civilization, think of the advantage they will have. They will be quite in demand. ;-)

Don’t Listen to What She Says

…when she says that it’s really a guy’s personality that attracts her. That she likes a more slender frame on a guy. That she’s not attracted to guys with muscles, that it’s superficial and shallow to spend time at the gym.

Really. Don’t listen to her. 

It’s not that she means to lie. She really believes what she’s saying. But most girls know doodle squat about what attracts them.

And it ain’t the way you load the dishwasher.

It’s not your fathering skills, it’s not your super-sensitive listening skills, it’s not the fact that you put the toilet seat down or the fact that you sit in an office cubicle 9 hours a day.

Chicks dig muscles. The amount of muscle varies from woman to woman. Not every woman is attracted to an Arnold Schwarzenegger amount of muscle, but putting on muscle is going to mean more attraction from your wife (and other women, but that’s a whole different ballgame).

When guys start coaching, they’re surprised that that’s one of the first areas of focus. Having more muscle boosts a guy’s confidence, it makes him look better in his clothes, it increases his T levels and  it makes him feel more manly.

Muscles matter.

Ignore what she says and get to the gym. That is all.

Low T? What a Scam!!

“I wonder if I really have low T. How do I know whether I’m just a bit off lately or maybe just sleep-deprived? This whole low T thing sounds like a crock; just an excuse made up by weak guys who don’t want to exert any effort or doctors and drug companies who want to make money from treating them.”

This is the initial reaction I hear from a lot of guys who are struggling with low T.  Does this sound familiar? Do you wonder whether low T could really be your problem or if it’s all just a load of bs?

Here’s a checklist that should help.

      • Do you have a lack of energy?
      • Are you tired all the time, no matter how much sleep you get?
      • Do you fall asleep after dinner or while you’re putting the kids to bed?
      • Do you find yourself exhausted at the end of the day, or sometimes even in the middle of the day?
      • Do you enjoy life less than you used to, the things you used to find fun are now more trouble than they’re worth?
      • Do you feel grumpy, stressed, moody or irritable a lot?
      • Are you finding it difficult to concentrate on routine or mundane tasks?
      • Do you have fewer morning erections than you used to?
      • Do you lose your erection during sex more often than you used to?
      • Have you noticed that your sex drive is not as strong as it used to be or that you don’t get as much enjoyment out of sex?

If you have several of these symptoms, it’s possible that low T is the culprit. You’re not lazy, you’re not weak, you’re not a wimp. You have a recognizable, diagnosable condition that is fortunately treatable.

“Okay, a lot of these symptoms apply to me, but how do I know for sure that it’s low T that’s causing them. Couldn’t it be other things?”

There are a lot of things that can cause some of the above problems, but if you’re experiencing several of these symptoms, low T is one of the top contenders. It’s easy enough to rule low T in or out by a simple blood test. It’s not complicated, you don’t have to fast, it’s just a simple in and out to your lab and within a week or two, you’ll have your answer.

Next Post: How do I get the lab work done to check for low T?

Um … I Think the T Therapy is Working

Him     I saw a girl today and she made me think of you.

Me     Really?  How come?

Him    Well, I was standing behind her and she was shaking her ass in time with the music, and she had this little thing she was doing where one hip moved and then the other and … well, she just looked really … smackable. Which made me think of you. Because you have a very smackable ass.

Me     Un hunh. So basically what you’re saying is that you were watching some other woman’s ass today.

Him    <pause> Yep, pretty much.


Will Fixing My Low T Really Make a Difference?

“I’m exhausted. No matter how much sleep I get, I wake up more tired than when I went to bed. I set the snooze over and over again, and I keep getting to work late. I’ve got to stop before I lose my job.”

“I just feel gray all the time. I don’t get excited about things the way I used to. I go to work, I come home, I watch tv, I go to bed. Every day is the same. Life is freaking boring and depressing.”

“I can’t concentrate on anything, anymore. It’s like I have ADD. I sit down at my desk and try to get my work done, but before I know it, I’m surfing the web and I’ve lost an hour. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“I don’t know what it is. I love my wife, she’s in good shape, I still think she’s attractive, but I just don’t have the same drive. I initiate once in a while, but it’s more like something I know I should do rather than that “I’ve got to have her” feeling it used to be. When we do have sex, it’s okay, but nowhere near as intense as it used to be. I still enjoy masturbating to porn, but sex with my wife is just …. meh.”

This is what Low T looks like.

And yes, fixing the Low T really does make a difference.

I talk to so many guys whose low T is significantly impacting their life and their career, and yet they have a hard time believing that their problems could be caused by something as simple as a hormone imbalance. They feel like it’s a crutch to blame their behavior on their testosterone levels. And yet T levels impact pretty much every facet of a man’s life. Testosterone is what makes a man …. well, a man.

It is so difficult to watch a guy slog through all this, feeling like a loser and taking all the blame on himself when he has a legitimate, medical issue that is keeping him down. Literally watching him fight back tears as he talks about what a failure he is. It’s heartbreaking, and hence this post. Please guys, if you’re struggling with low T, understand that you’re operating with a severe handicap and your lack of progress says nothing at all about your personality, your self-discipline, your innate ability to lead or your intelligence. It’s all about the nail. And the nail is low testosterone.

So, if you get your low T fixed, is it going to magically change your life and solve all your problems?

Yes and no.

It is going to magically change your life. It is not going to solve all your problems.

Think of it like this …. It’s like you’re running a race with a sprained ankle. You are expending 100 times the effort as all the other runners, but you’re making a tenth of the progress. You’re hobbling along and you feel like a loser as all the other runners pass you by. You wonder how they’re doing it so effortlessly. But here’s the deal … you have a sprained ankle. It’s a medical condition. And it’s fixable. Why keeping trying to run without addressing the ankle?

However, even after getting the ankle fixed, you’re not necessarily going to be the fastest runner. You’re still going to have to train. You’re still going to have to eat healthy. You’re still going to have to work hard. The difference is that you’re now doing it without a handicap. You’re finally on a level playing field.

Basically, that’s what T therapy does. It levels the playing field and gives you a fair shot at success.



No, You’re Not Just Getting Older

You are exhausted. You’re more tired when you wake up than when you went to bed. You feel scattered and disorganized most of the time, and secretly, you wonder if you may have early onset Alzheimer’s. You feel a lack of energy and you’re having a hard time making yourself concentrate on things that need to get done. You sit down at your computer to finish a job, and find yourself surfing the web, instead. You look up and realize that you’ve lost an hour and wonder where it went.

You find yourself increasingly irritable with people, and have become more of a loner. Things that used to bring you pleasure are too much work now. It’s easier to keep to yourself and avoid all the social things you used to enjoy.

You still initiate with your wife sometimes, but that intense drive isn’t there. Sometimes you initiate because it seems like the thing to do, but it seems like an awful lot of work. You still get erections, but not as easily, and you notice that your morning erections are few and far between. So this is what getting old is like.

Well, no. Actually, this is what having low T is like.

If you find yourself experiencing any of the symptoms listed above, watch this video from this very young guy ….