Following on from this post ………
Your husband’s hormone levels are finally stable, but he still doesn’t seem to have that high desire he used to have. Maybe he’s just not a sexual person. Or is he?
Hmmm…. well, it’s complicated. For those men who have been low T for a long time, their brain patterns have actually changed. Here’s where I get a bit technical, but stick with me, it’s important.
The development of the brain depends on the experiences you have. Electrical activity in every area shapes the way that the brain circuits are formed. The circuits that get used the most often are the ones that grow stronger; the one that are rarely used become weaker. Scientists have a term for this; “Cells that fire together, wire together.”
Do you see where I’m going with this?
Libido is a function not only of hormones, but also of brain circuitry. For years, your man hasn’t had sexual thoughts and experiences due to his hormone levels. Even though his hormone levels are now fixed, the brain circuitry that would support a healthy libido hasn’t been developed, yet. Now does his behavior make more sense to you?
Okay, so are you doomed? If fixing the hormones doesn’t fix the libido, is there any hope for you to ever experience the desire from your husband you want?
Yes, because the brain is also malleable. As your husband engages in more sexual experiences and thoughts, the circuitry will grow stronger and he will be more capable of experiencing deeper sexuality. Hence, sex begets more sex. However, this is a slow process, it doesn’t happen over-night. And the more you blow up and delay the process, the longer it will take.
Here’s how you need to think about it. A low T guy is like a guy who’s had a stroke and is going through re-hab. There are distinct and predictable stages, and your strategy at every stage is going to be very different. If you use the wrong strategy at the wrong stage, you will actually impede or even halt the progress you make.
This is when his T levels are lowest and he’s in a low T fog. Like a person in a coma, he’s in such a fog that he doesn’t even know he’s in a fog. You have to take control of the situation.
You’ve kicked his butt into action and he’s started to realize there’s a problem, but he feels hopeless and paralyzed with inaction. You are still the acting Captain.
He’s started on T therapy and is feeling the first stirrings of libido return, but his confidence is very shaky. You need to keep the situation stable and stop kicking his legs out from under him. I know that his initiations are crappy and tentative, but it’s important for you not to shut down on him. He needs to stay sexual in order to let those sexual circuits in the brain fire.
He’s feeling stronger and able to stand upright with the help of the crutches, but he’s still stumbling and sometimes even falling. You’re trying to get him to walk faster than he’s able and the more you push him, the more he falls. He needs time. Encourage his successes and near-successes. I know you want it to be perfect, but it’s not time, yet.
He’s feeling more like a real person who doesn’t need your assistance as much. His forward progress is still slow, but he’s looking much more like the man he used to be.
He’s back. Finally, you can see the man you married. He’s not running marathons, yet, but he’s getting around just fine. You have a tendency to keep trying to help him, and he’ll have none of it, thank you very much. Back off, Mama, and let him walk.
Where did this kinky sex maniac come from? Hang on to your hat, woman, and try to keep up.
What I’ve seen in the couples I’ve dealt with is that the most important part of this whole process is to take the actions that are appropriate to the stage you’re in. You will experience much faster progress this way; however, I have to be clear. Progress for a man who’s been low T for a long time is slow. Brain circuitry takes a while to re-wire. You can avoid impeding the process, but you can’t rush it.
Coaching can be a tremendous help as you’re going through this process to help you identify the stages you’re dealing with and how your own actions are contributing to the success or lack of progress you’re experiencing. Much of coaching the female half of a low T couple involves getting her to stop beta orbiting and hyper-focusing on her husband to the detriment of running her own Map and making her own life. The other part involves teaching her how to stop blowing up and interrupt the progress they’re making.
What I can tell you from both personal experience and from working with other couples is that change IS possible. There is hope. It takes hard work and a desire for change from both of you, but you don’t have to keep living the way you’ve been living.
If you’d like to explore the possibilities for your own situation, you can contact me about a One Hour call. We’ll talk about what stage you’re in and the actions you need to take to move to the next level. The recovery process has certain predictable stages and it helps to know what to expect and to have someone walk you through it.